Man on being proposed…

The tower clocks stop for a split second. The tides and waves cease to function. The sun who was slowly taking a dip in the ocean stops. The migrating birds stop fluttering. The cricket players in South Africa are forced to have yet another break. The dogs which were chasing a poor bicycle driver stop as well. The bicycle driver who was defying gravity till then succumbs to Newton’s brainchild’s effect. The gusts of wind which has been blowing leaves stop. The stock prices stop fluctuating. That’s when we can say that a man is being proposed to.

Man, as the effect of the enormous capabilities endowed upon him mostly by chance and the fact that he had successfully tricked the other animals thus rendering whoever who was supposed to bestow these capabilities at the first place with little options. The capabilities thus bestowed did little good to man, although it did help him in becoming stubborn and an ass. But he has always successfully denied them with little effect.

Despite all these strange occurrences’ and the enormous nincompoop a man could have been, a man being proposed to is an occurrence that beats the blue of the idiom “once in a blue moon”. For man for all his life has been always making proposals only to enjoy the sweet sense of rejection. And man had always reasoned this fact of his proposals being rejected to him being sophisticated, to his appetite for caviar, to his liking for board games, to his immense capability to irritate his fellow beings, and to many more. In spite of the multitude of reasons which he accounts for his rejection, he has maintained a demeanour which fits into that of a wily fox which thought that the grapes are sour. This helps man deal with rejections in a better way, I believe, than women.

Being proposed to, is a sweet sensation. It’s something which a lot many of the men lived for. A lady coming over and proposing to him ranks high up in a Man’s wish list. It is second only to a game of football. Third may be, to a liquor party. Or I am agnostic about the positioning. It’s surely is there somewhere, I hope.
Aftermath of being proposed to results in an acute zoological condition. This has been proved to be true by the numerous tests conducted on horses, dogs, monkeys, rats, sloths and snails. The tests carried out were fool proof. A girl is asked to propose to all the animals one by one when they are alone. And the girl is asked to propose to one animal in presence of another animal which she had already proposed earlier. These tests have helped us in understanding the aftermath of proposal better.

For men, it starts by inducing a feeling of self gratification, which is duly followed by palpitations, dilating of eyes, gaping in wonder and at times precipitations around one’s eyes. These cases could end with symptoms of machismo, which at times will grow itself to such propositions that it could be misunderstood to be symptoms of narcissism.

They are not symptoms of narcissism. I repeat, they are not symptoms of narcissism.

A friend of mine ended up reading a lot of online journals with Philosophical explanations which somehow links all that happens and will happen to salvation. I also noted that him attaining a new level of reasoning by which I mean that he started thinking theologically, metaphorically, philosophically, stoically, ergonomically, gastronomically, metaphysically, medically and illogically all at the same time. I happen to call him one day and asked him “Where are you? Dude! ” to which he spoke thus “I may or may not be here or there.”, and hung up on me.

Another person, this time not a friend, was so confused on being proposed that he didn’t know what to say. This is when his work experience as a clueless consultant came to his rescue. He replied thus. “The request which was proposed sounds to be cool. But there is a lot of analysis which needs to be done, specially on the financial viability of the idea. I will look into them in detail and process your request within the next 48 years.(He meant hours, I believe.) My failure to correspond back could be because of numerous reasons which I am not responsible for.”

There was this geek friend, who specialized in astrophysics and did his thesis on how metaphysics used physics to gain attention, who on being proposed to by a girl went to a state of chaotic imbalance. The very day he went on to disproved Einstein’s relativity theory on thirteen accounts the simplest of them being that he never liked the two ein’s being separated by “st”. Knowing him and his dislike for the proved and tested theories from the day where he was eleven when he dismissed the Pythagorean triplets theorem as being fabricated, it didn’t alarm me a single bit.

Hey, the fairer sex. Let only goodness befall you.

Hey you Eves descendants, we are thankful to you for giving us hope. We are highly indebted to you for the fair assumption that a few of our kind are good enough to be proposed to. This is a great responsibility that is being granted on to us. Knowing how good we are at responsibilities and the execution, I dare say that you are brave and daring. And braveness seldom goes unrewarded. We swear by the air we breathe that we will live up to the expectations that u have. Yes, we will say nice things about you. We will send you flowers on a daily basis. We will remember your dog’s birthday. We will do anything to keep you guys happy. But the next time you intend on doing us a favour, please spare the poor bicycle driver which just tipped over and bruised his forehead.

Man on the extra inch

It a well known fact that humans,  for all the goodness embedded into them by default, has the urge  to have more. The urge starts at an young age,  say one year old. Actually much earlier, for the urge for an extra inch starts when you a foetus and will persists for a long long time.

Yes, a long long time.

I am talking about the same urge that makes the foetus kick around when he is in the mother’s womb. Yes, the same urge that forces one to wish if he had been an inch taller.  The same urge that makes one wish for an extra helping of the pudding. The bowler who prays for an extra inch of movement sideways or forwards or movement of any sorts. The sharp shooter who misses his target by an inch. Yea, you get it.

If you got that much , you would have also got the feeling that makes a man wish if he had a bit more bigger seat to sit on. You would have also understood the suffocation the same man goes through sitting in a closed cabin where the space meant for one is split into four unequal parts of which our man gets the smaller part. You will also sympathize with the  man who just gave a tiny inch to the camel and got himself kicked out.

An extra inch is all we need, all we crave for, all we wish for, all we pray for and all we get (hope to, actually).

No , you are so mistaken. Thats if you thought that man will get the extra inch he hopes for and will lead a life, so happy.

He doesn’t get the extra piece of cake he badly wanted to have. Nor does he get to sit on a bigger chair he dreams of cosily enjoying . Nor does he get a cabin of his own where he can keep all his books.  Nor does he get to keep his laptop on a decent desk.  And if he does have a decent desk , the laptop needs an extra inch to fit in properly. you get the picture, i hope.

Yes, destiny is not that kind. But destiny is not unkind as well. She smiles upon you at the most embarrassing moments. She is kind enough to give you the extra inch. And you get it right around the waistline.

All those years of praying and an extra inch around your waistline!!!!

Yea, life gets easier, more focused. All our life we were hoping for a motto in our life. And we have one. We dress up in clothes which help us in hiding the extra inch of flab. We keep turning up in the same black attire day after day. We try so hard to fit into the once discarded jeans for reasons such as its too huge for me, its so unfashionable or its something which resembles what the other guy wore the other day.

The process is not that simple. We just try to get into the trousers and keep hunting for the right place. And after around five minutes of playing around with the hook, you get to the place where you were yesterday. But that is not good enough. You take a good breath then. One better than the one taken yesterday and in that split second get the thing done. Neat, pretty hard but Neat!

Man’s struggle for and against the extra inch is actually deserving mentions of epic proportions. Many of them which are too intense and cerebral for a poor blogger to pen on.

Man on breakups

This post is a dedication to Agam Kumar Nigam whose songs of lamentation along with the respective music videos protraying man’s dependency on his senses and his innate ability to be boorish. The songs of Agam Kumar Nigam along with the music videos has always been a source of inspiration,appreciation, instigation, introspection, interrogation , adulteration and constipation. And Mr Agam, after the world wild hit of Bewafaai (Means Infidelity), has come up with a sequel Phir Bewafaai (Means Again Infidelity). Songs of Mr Agam reminds me of a few Altaf Raja songs.

You remember Altaf Raja, dont you ? Oh my God , you do remember him !!!

Sadly, This post is not about those two talented singers and what they would have had for dinner which made them sing such songs, or rather sing songs at all as you may wonder. This post is about those who are suffering from breakups.

I had observed, or i was told by a good friend for he happen to observe it as well or he was just assuming the same , that almost of breakups happen in and out of these coffee places.It was also observed that english was a funny language as it appears to be. For instance when “I am done” means i have finished eating the french apple pie, “We are done” would stand for a breakup phrase. Good old D.P.(Divyanandan Pavanasam) had trouble deciphering the problem but he did research and find the roots of such ambiguity during the times of renaissance. D.P., as resourceful as one could ever be.

A breakup is a mutual agreement mostly proposed by one of the parties involved in it and duly opposed by the other party involved in it. One can see a breakup coming. When all that your hear sounds more like an documentary in some weird language, when you hate waiting at a place for even a second and end up going to there half an hour late, when you get more affected by Tommy’s health. (Tommy would be your dog or your cat or your snake or a scorpion depending on the your choice of pets.) When a sneeze of yours doesnt get the same concern and affection and bless you as u once got or as you expect to get. Thats my friend the start of the culmination of a relation which might lead to a breakup.

Breakups could at times change your luck. One of my friends acquaintance got so dejected after being dumped on an issue as trivial as his likeness for garlic stuffed sandwich was desperate to commit suicide and he did try jumping in front of a SUV. His braveness did end up getting into the strecher right to the hospital where he stayed for a good 6 months. He did get a few visitors and all of them gifted him books of great taste to the extend of one of his friends gifting him an Oxford learners dictionary. He read all of them and is now writing a book by himself. Some of the books were a bit romantic and he ended up dating an awesome looking nurse by the time he was getting discharged.

But a few wont take a breakup as it should be taken. I had this friend of mine who at the instance of being told the news got so upset and went into spasms of laughter. It was later found out that my frined was purposefully made high so that the news could sink in well.

How one deals with a breakup is highly personal, I say. There is no gender bias here. There is no racial bigotry here. Everyone is unequal. You may try to get over the past relationship by doing a lot of things. Some my go and cut their hair. Some may grow beard. Some will indulge in a strict diet and health regime. Some will keep crying over the dead cat. You will hang around with friends. You might go on a “I will eat anything that captures my vision” mission. You might get a liking for poetry and philosophy. You might indulge in arts. You might sigh at a modern art which to a mathematician’s eye look like an pictorial representation of Pythagorean triplets. Some might even resort to a shopping spree where you end up buying all the things u never had. A friend of mine suffered heavily due to the latter. Even though he broke off with his girlfriend but was a bit late in getting his credit card back.

IF you are still dejected because of the breakup please get a cd or two of the above mentioned artist and listen. You might feel elevated. And those songs are of better use than laughed upon by a madman in his scribbling.